My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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