i'm signing you up for texting rehab
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Randomize