at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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