After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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