something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
Someone signed my nipple.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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