im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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