every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
