ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Randomize
