I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
