I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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