I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
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