what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize