she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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