nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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