Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize