BLOW JOB GIRL IS IN WALMART
Some people actually refer to her as Kaitlyn you know.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
