your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Randomize
