The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
