I should be sponsored by Trojan
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
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