Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Randomize
