I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
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