moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
