i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
i was born a porn star she said
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Randomize
