Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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