i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
