I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize
