I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
Randomize
