Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
