I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
