woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
Randomize
