Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
lets start a swedish sibling band together
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
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