trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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