maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
My bed smells like the plague
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
