It was still light ouot when we were walking up Pier Ave and she kept asking if she could suck my nipples.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Randomize
