i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
wtf someone played my fucking brickbreaker games and lost i had ten fucking lives. ughhh
maybe you did when you were drunk
no way, i wasn't THAT drunk.
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
