I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
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