You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Randomize
