We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
