she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
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