they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
When are your genitals available?
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
