That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
