I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
Randomize
