How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
Randomize
