I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
