i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
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