I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
