oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Randomize
