How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
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