I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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