Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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