Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Did you just see the Batmobile???
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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