you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize