So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
