so explain again why im purple
no
White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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