Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
No...this little piggys going to the bar
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
