Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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