Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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