Hey man sorry I got all grabby
fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
