you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
