last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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